It's hard to fully describe what this experience fully means to me. At about 13 months in, about halfway for those of you at home keeping count, I'm feeling at peace with my service as well as a mixture of excitement and anxiety for what the next 13 months will bring. I'm already starting to feel the squeeze of time limitations in planning out what I want the next 13 months to look like. However, at the current moment I am feeling very reflective, trying very hard to elucidate the tangible lessons I've learned, the changes I've undergone, and how I have grown. (I'm also doing this in a public forum to keep me honest in some ways - my sincerest hope is not coming off as trite.) I guess is my goal in doing this is to see how far I've come in order to help me decide where to go next.
Today I'm writing for a few people: my friends and family back home as always, myself (at least I try to make it somewhat therapeutic - and very often, it can be.) and the new group of volunteers that are coming to Togo by the off chance that they see this entry. I'm not sure what I would say to the Ryan of June 2o11, the month I started this adventure, but I often think back to my tearful departure in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport the morning I left the states for Philadelphia. I think what I was most afraid of was the uncertainty. The uncertainty that comes along with taking the next steps in life. I imagine that everyone goes through it in one way or another, and perhaps more than once. I just happened to experience it like running into a glass door - in saying goodbye to my friends and family it just hit me. It became very real very quickly that I would not be seeing the majority of them again for two years, and all of my support systems that I was so used to having in the states would have to change/evolve upon arrival in Togo. In the very beginning, focusing on what I was intrinsically good at and a simply mantra "breathe and put one foot in front of the other" helped me dramatically. A lot of my anxiety came from my perceived lack of preparation for the experience. With my very basic understanding of French and my slightly overweight bags (in which I hardly packed anything of real use), I felt that I wasn't fully prepared to take on the challenge - in ANY way. In retrospect, I'm not sure anyone can be, prepared for this specific experience I mean. I think what got me through the first few moments in Togo was a combination of pure, naïve optimism, the simple fact that 2 years is not a lifetime, and that I had very little expectation of what would be waiting for me on the dark continent (this was aided by the fact that there was relatively very little literature about Togo to be read while I was in the US. Believe me, I looked.) I was also grateful to be around people who were going through similar experiences: leaving home, making an arguable life-altering commitment, and trying to stay positive and open minded about the upcoming experience. These people, I have come to learn, are some of the best people I have ever met. I value each and every one of my "stage mates" for who they are and what I've learned from them. In return, I think I may have taught them a few things too, but we still have a ways to go, and I'm looking forward to the continued growth.
From this experience, I take away the concrete knowledge of something I already kind of knew I was really good at, which is relating to people. I love all my friends, and I feel like a large part of what I am today, what this current experience means to me, is the people I've shared it with. I'm going to continue focusing on my relationships, current and newly found. Living in Togo has also afforded me the opportunity of creating relationships with host country nationals. While I'm still learning exactly what a friendship means with a Togolese person, after 13 months I feel I have a much better idea than when I started, and at this point I don't think I could stay here another day if not for the amazing Togolese I've come to know. In fact, one of my biggest goals for the next 13 months is to continue expanding my relationships with those whom I've worked with and come to trust deeply. One of my initial goals, the goals they made us all right down on pieces of paper before we even got on the plane to come here, was to build meaningful relationships. I remember thinking to myself that I would feel accomplished when I felt I knew people here and that they knew me. There will continue to be challenges in this aspect of my work, language barriers, cultural barriers, etc. but again, I'm very much enjoying this part of the job.
Shifting gears, I think that the past 13 months have also given me a very good idea of what I'm not so good at as well. In the event that a future employer is reading this blog, I won't go into too many details, but for the most part, I truly believe that we learn as much from our mistakes as failures. And while I don't necessarily believe in regret, I believe very strongly in evaluating what mistakes teach us. This is a definite shift from the me before I came here. It's not that I didn't make mistakes before, but I don't think I appreciated them as much. Following this framework, I'm hard-pressed to come up with a "mistake" I feel I've made in the past 13 months. My service in Togo has allowed me to finally forgive myself for the mistakes I made before coming here, because I'm finally able to see them for what they are, experience. Letting go of the past has been a large part of what I have done in order to survive here.
Certain aspects of my personality have been augmented and diminished here - largely due to the stresses of daily life. I feel my patience has expanded beyond even what I could imagine possible. I think the stress of a 10 hour uncomfortable bush taxi ride over an unimaginably awful road can give one this ability. I'm much less afraid of asking for what I want than before. Learning this has been a combination of dealing with other volunteers and the Togolese. Just knowing what you want, and not being a afraid to say it, has miraculous outcomes. Perhaps this experience has made me more honest with myself, which has in turn made me more honest with others, but either way, I think it's a change for the better. Togo has also desensitized me in a way to the lugubriousness of others. I can't say that seeing poverty on a daily basis doesn't mean anything to me, but I often had a hard time over-empathizing with people in the past - unable to separate my subjective and objective thoughts. The level of contentness with life among the Togolese also inspires one to appreciate everything they've been given/earned in life. I know families of 5 that live in a single room, I see kids everyday play with my garbage as if it's the most amazing toy in the world, and I witness people genuinely happy to be alive - all of which, if I'm being completely honest, were not things I saw often in the states. At the risk of sounding overly cliché, I'm going to stop myself there, but I will say that these past 13 months in Togo have largely contributed to my personal definition of happiness.
Earlier I mentioned all the people I've had the pleasure of working with, both Togolese and American. Today, my dear site mate, one of the most amazing women I've ever met, returned to the United States after 13 months of service. We always joke about how fate brought us together and placed us in the same tiny country on the opposite side of the world in the same city 15 minutes away from each other - but the truth is, she was I'm not sure I could have done it without her. I've learned so much from you R and and I only hope that our shared experiences can continue "on the other side." See you in Disneyland! I love you!
Love love.
Before I forget, if a new volunteer does see this blog (and made it to the end, ha ha...) here is my list of essentials that may or may not be on the official packing list.
- a lot of quick dry underwear and towel (just trust me on this one)
- a sharp cooking knife
- external hard drive/high capacity thumbdrives
- a digital camera you LIKE using
- your favorite "products"
- travel size toiletries/toiletry bag (you're going to be traveling a bit while you're in country too)
- there are these little pocket speakers that a lot of people have here that are rechargeable via USB and really quite loud, get one of you like music!
- extra headphones
- Togolese people get really into pictures from home, but more so pictures of places and things rather than people.
